Wow, it has been a long time since I last posted a blog. A lot has changed since then and I am not exaggerating. Back in January, I submitted the correction for my thesis and then attended my “graduation ceremony” in July. It wasn’t a ceremony but at least I got to wear my gown. I also published a second paper from my PhD in a journal of my dream, you can check it out here: https://doi.org/10.1083/jcb.202012114 but the story behind it deserves a separate blog.
But one of the most stressful periods (among others) for me is looking for a postdoc. The journey started back in January 2021, yes, it was a year ago, absolutely crazy how fast time flies. It was an unstable time, and you know how much I hate instability. I did what I am best at (I think), emailing people and asking if they have any positions available. Most of the labs I contacted did not have the funding then, which was a shame, but I was lucky enough to be accepted in two labs not without many months of waiting, of course, one in Cambridge and one in London. It was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make. On one side, the lab in Cambridge was my absolute pinnacle since my 2nd year of having a chance to hear the PI speak in a seminar. The kind of imaging they do is just breathtaking. Ever since that day, I dreamt of working with her. On the other side is the lab of Roberto Mayor in London that I have been following their work since my 1st year. They work in a field of mechanobiology that I have been so curious and eager to learn more about for absolute ages and being able to be part of that is something a person with a curious mind could not refrain from. So, choosing between these two labs is like the choice between my passion for imaging and my curiosity to branch out into a completely different field of research. It took me a long time to decide, but one thing stood out when I spoke to my PhD supervisor, she said “I have always been a "risk-taker" in science for my career and this has always been the right thing”. This resonates with me so much because essentially that was how my PhD came to be, and so London was my final choice.
I have always been a "risk-taker" in science for my career and this has always been the right thing
Around the same time when I was applying to the London lab, I was also applying for the Sir Henry Wellcome postdoc fellowship. This postdoc fellowship has been on my mind since forever. I could say it would be a dream come true if I ever got it. But time was not on my side. I had an idea for the proposal for quite a while now, but there were only 2 months left before the deadline at the time. It was even more stressful that this would be the last time this postdoc scheme would ever be available. And to add another layer on top, this was the only postdoc fellowship scheme that I am eligible for, literally, there was no other fellowship I could apply to. I was so lucky that Roberto was kind enough to agree straightaway to support my application. The next 2 months was a constant grinding but were surprisingly fruitful. We made a connection with a lab in Bristol, my alma mater, as the second proposed lab. During these months, we had many conversations, we refined the proposal, we discussed and addressed the challenges, the pros and cons, and for the better of course. I got through the first round.
The second round was a full proposal, and it was significantly longer, required much more data and details. I seriously thought I would never be able to go past this round, though I kept an open mind. I tried to learn as much as I could, read as much as I could to get the science absolutely right. I got help from so many people, my supervisors and her husband, my two proposed labs, our Beatson research integrity officer, and other previous winners of the fellowship too. It was hard work, checking everything, making sure everything makes sense, trying to balance everyone’s contribution while still retaining your own touch in the proposal. Three months of constant work. I got through the second round!
This was the first time I felt like I might actually have a chance! It was a mixture of this constant buzzing feeling in your stomach, mixed with a dose of anxiety of what the reviewers have to say. But overall, I was excited to see what people have to say about my proposal. It couldn’t be that bad right? I mean I got to the interview round now so they must like it right? I got my comments and I almost broke down in tears, my last reviewer was absolutely tearing the whole thing apart. For a person who always put 110% of themselves in everything they do and expect nothing but perfection back, these comments were heart-shattering. The last time I was in a similar situation was when I got the reviewer’s comments back for my second paper, but they turned out to be quite reasonable, but this, this was different! I talked to everyone about it, asking them for advice and asking them about their experience. Everyone was really helpful, but one piece of advice stood out “Read it once today, then stop working, go treat yourself with something nice, stop worrying about it, come back to it the next day”. I stopped working for 2 days. My mind was filled with questions and worries. But I tried to not think about it too much and only came back to it after 2 days of break. And it was the best decision ever! I approach it with a fresh mind, I know what I was talking about, I know how to answer those questions from the reviewers, I just have to put them into words! And so I did! The moment hitting the submit button to submit my response felt both light and heavy at the same time. Light because I just finished a major task, but heavy because now it is the waiting game. Two months of waiting while sorting out my other work, particularly the visa was so stressful. And then one morning on the 30th of November I got an email from the Wellcome Trust and it said “Dear Dr Le, I am pleased to confirm that your application for a Sir Henry Wellcome Postdoctoral Fellowship…was successful”. I just got out of the shower to get ready for work, and when I saw the email, I did not believe it at first. The deadline said the result would be released in December, “isn’t this a bit too early?”, I thought. But I read it again, and again, and again, and every time it was the same sentence “your application was successful”. I screamed!
I was ecstatic! So ecstatic that I got on the wrong train and ended up in a random train station. I was late for work, but my mind was spinning around buzzing with sparks of electricity firing from every neuron in every pathway possible. I did it, for the first time in my life, I did something that was impossible for me.
But of course, academia is a graveyard of hope! Nothing lasts long in this god-forsaken land and there come the receipts. I felt like I did something worth celebrating, for once in my life, but at the same time, I have tagged myself with red paint. Now, at every conference I go to, everyone I talked to, I might become the centre of scrutiny if I am not being careful. Every work I do, everything I ask might become a conversation for people to debate about. I have never thought about this untold invisible pressure before, partly because I never thought I would make it to the other end. What if I fail? What if I can’t live up to the standard that I have set out for myself? What if this whole thing was a huge giant stroke of luck? There are many questions that I can ask, there are many things that I am not sure about. But here I am, about to start my new journey in a crazy city full of competition and “underground” battles, waving a red flag for people to take the aim. But hey, what doesn’t kill you make you stronger, right? The only thing I can say to myself now is I am here to learn and I am willing to be taught. Science to me is a journey of curiosity, and it will, and it should stay that way. I will embrace this new experience and the journey that it will take me on.
Until next time.